I sink these nails deep and run them through my neck, and my arms, and my face because you have something creeping under my skin. Scratch until I’m red, until my blood clots. I think we hurt ourselves to get rid of that itchy feeling. Because it’s annoying. It burns inside and hiding it from the people who see me is no joke. Hoping you could have witnessed it. This wall behind me knows already.
Dive deep in to
thoughts of us wrapped in
pieces of clothing
we never knew
we’d wear
and tear apart.
Like wooden houses
burnt into ashes,
we shed tears
and broke a few
parts of our bodies.
I want to break you
and make you see
I’m living inside you.
Dry.
I am a walking
thief in daylight
I drink your
soul because
you spilled mine.
I am a maggot inside you
feeding on
wastes.
I live inside you
Because someone took my home.
No there’s no home in you, either.
Staring at faint light
I’m waiting til I snap out of it
So I could
Slow dance in the rain.
Would have been nice
to have this and that
But you said “No”
You said it softspokenly
But it hurts like
cutting open old wounds.
Wounds that never heal.
Wounds that left a scar.
Wounds that will never ever fucking heal.
I can never defeat you.
I surrender now,
I can’t dig
holes anymore
because I
found out there’s
only a few left of you,
and realized it’s
better buried deep
til a good soul
digs you out of
your comfort.
Love is nothing but a fruit of our habits formed in the presence of someone – an obscure element of our imagination. You feel the need to see this person. You become contented to see them once in a while. But then you start asking for more, until you see them blindly, beyond judgment, until you see their soul. You become addicted to this. And you become obsessive about it. And the blind impulse to be in their presence becomes a part of you – a habit. Like licking your lips before you speak. Like blinking to wet your eyes. Because you become dry. Because this person sucks the life out of you. And we don’t know why or how. But we don’t question it. We let ourselves open and vulnerable to possible attacks. This person becomes your personal terrorist. Your murderer. And they can kill you several times if they want to. Because you want to. And everytime you see them smile you are born again. And the cycle goes on, and on, and on… and this becomes a habit. You and this person eventually becomes different people than before because you affect each other. You start to count sheeps because you can’t sleep and you can’t eat so you start to feed on your dreams. So you get nightmares instead. You have them every single night and then you dream that you’ve woken up but really you haven’t. You try to wake up and you find yourself dreaming about waking up. Now you become confused if you’re awake or you’re still dreaming about dreaming and waking up. And the cycle goes on, and on, and on. It becomes a habit. You start to lash out and break down every fact that you get. And the first and only fact you have is that the person you expect to be there for you and follow you everywhere isn’t there. It goes on day by day until it becomes a habit. You are now conceived by the absence of this person. You become acquainted to the fact that they can’t be always be there when you need them. You pick yourself up and glue them pieces back together. You break a few habits. You start to walk with your shadow with an empty hand and an empty heart and an empty stomach. So you puke your dreams out and mix them all up so you can eat them again. You make new dreams now, but you know better because you don’t eat them all, instead you pick the nicest dreams out and bring them back to your empty soul. You do this until you become better and healthy again. Then you get used to your presence alone, and this goes on, and on, and on. And it becomes a habit. Then you see this other person.
We’re basically connected through vaguely discussed manifests; through loopholes; through insidious looks and touch; through doubtful memories and pretentious roles of ourselves. She used to be someone five years ago. The people she knew then knew her more than herself and it felt almost an entrapment from all the worries one could have. And this person enjoyed cutting herself as much as she loved touching herself. Wherever she is now, she must be lonely, still lonely right now.
Please stay the night
“I want you like I want the world to spin backwards”
And I said it with such disdain.
I wither like old trees in a sheltered forest
Drizzle me with your patience
Will you stay and keep me sane?
Take away the bruises cos I don’t heal so well.
Get polaroid trips to places we’ve never been
I just cannot promise you that I won’t be needy
You know how I want our bodies collide
And I die on every touch of your lips and every clutch to your hips.
Feeding on my killings, like every single day
I will mouth the words we might not hear tomorrow
It’ll be good I assume because there’s more than a hint now
Wishful you meant it like you want the world to spin real fast
I promise not to mess it up because you do it so well –
You weaken me, then you wake me. You break me, then you make me.
So, do you still think I’m unreal?
We breathe in uncertainties and I could sleep through it
Will you just pretend I fought your ghosts
And made you the person you wish you were?
Shark
You are my one-way sleep
Keep it in a tin can
We’re cool I think
As I watch you go by
Cos you’re a million heatbeats away
I’ll buy you something
I can’t even afford
And maybe someday
We’d be cool.
I’ll write you ten thousand love songs
And you will never hear any of them.
We’ll go by and walk on roads
I have never been
I will envelope my hopes
Bury them in my backyard
And I don’t even have a backyard.
